I’m in a bit of a slump at the moment. In the kind of space, due to things beyond my control, where I a) don’t want to be around/talk to people and b) don’t want to be on my own.

I also feel that I am running on far less than full capacity, mentally speaking, which is making me dread returning to work tomorrow (mixed with not wanting to be around people). I think it’s safe to say that the stress is beginning to trigger my depression which has been mercifully, mostly absent for quite some time. It’s not anything I can’t deal with, I’m just very aware of it.

There’s nothing I can do about going back to work – I have no choice and need to save as much of my holiday as I possibly can for later in the year. Anyway, the issue I have is the voluntary work that I do. Due to the nature of the work, in order for me to be the best that I can be, I need to be in tip top condition, as it can be incredibly emotionally draining. I don’t know for certain if I should be doing it while we are going through what we are going through.  I just wonder if, for the good of the callers, my colleagues and, ultimately, myself, that I have a duty of care to us all to take a step back. It will mean probably re-training later and putting my move onto the training team on hold, depending on how long I need to be away for.

I think that questioning my ability to give the support required of me, is answer enough. I guess I just needed to write it down. Maybe it’s just today but I worry that, given my totally fragile and distracted emotional state and the stress we have at the moment, I won’t do well given the calls that I know we can get. I think it would be too easy for me to fall to pieces at the moment and the callers deserve better than that.

Sleep on it. I think that’s what I’ll do.


About Xowie Brandt

Self-discovering, arty, luvvie, tattooed, pierced, vocal, fragile, shy (yes, shy!), determined, caring, loud, quiet, bookworm, filmaholic, music lover, lyric devourer, random, gigglemaniac, cider guzzler, evolving...to name but a few things. I'm a writer, actress, model, photographer and singer and makeup lover. I try not to allow myself to be pigeon-holed into a box, much preferring to tear the required pieces from a multitude of boxes and create something vaguely box-shaped that I can call my own. I'm unique, just like everyone else.

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